Memories of the Monster
by Somnis Morpheus
Summary: Serbia's thoughts on his family as he sat in the solitude of his home. After all, all monsters deserve loneliness. T-for safety and sensitive themes.


**Author's note: Okay, first off. I don't really have an OC character for the other countries of the former Yugoslavia. They are only slightly based from the Yugotalia design, but not by much. My only real OC is my Serbia oc. So if you noticed the names were different then, well that explains it.**

**Anyway have fun reading.**

**Warning: Mentions of War**

**Disclaimer: I don't own hetalia**

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Memories of the Monster

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On days that were bright and colourful, I held unto the people who brightened my days. But now, everything was a monochrome grey as I sat by the couch, looking over the reports and documents my boss handed over to me. It was a shame that in the end, everyone left me. Now, days were lonely, I simply had two dogs to remain in my company.

It wasn't usually like this. No, before this house wasn't shrouded in silence. This house was lively and filled with sounds. Sometimes there would be laugher, sometimes shouts of rage, sometimes arguments, but more of all it was filled with the sound of a close family. During those days, everything was beautifully colourful, we all had our fights and disagreements, but we were still family. We were together, one kingdom, one family.

And now, it was just me and my dogs...

The silence is deafening.

Its fine, I deserved the silence, the lonelineess, and the pain.

I stared at the dogs on my feet. A Serbian hound and a Serbian Tricoloured hound, the breeds itself hurt me, before; they were called 'Balkan hound' and 'Yugoslavian Tricoloured hound'. Proof of how my family has long separated from me. Proof, that we can no longer be called a family ever again. It hurts, I missed those days that we would all spend time together, joking, playing and even arguing. But those days can never return. It hurts, but I deserve this pain, and worst.

It was I who destroyed my family after all.

Everyone has heard hadn't they? The atrocities I have done to my family. I was a monster, a killer, a villain. I was the one who threw everything into the burning flames of war. I was the one who couldn't let go. Everything, I destroyed everything. There was nothing left of my family, nothing left but so much pain, the pain of a bond forcedly broken by the madness of a monster that was me. If only I had let go, or made a compromise and maybe, just maybe, I would still have my family.

Maybe, I wouldn't have to be alone.

I stared at the leftover cake on the coffee table. Romania had come to visit earlier, dragging along the Bulgarian idiot. It was a nice change from the loneliness. Romania had always been there for me, the friendly strawberry blond has a knack of causing trouble, but he always has his sweet side. The sour Bulgarian had been bitter and intolerable as usual, but I could see he understood me better; the bitter loneliness was the mutual thing between us.

We were all lonely; we all simply deal with it differently. Romania would try to make new friends, and Bulgaria would push people away. I on the other hand simply chose to be in the crowd.

As I think, I couldn't help but remember my family. I remember it was always Montenegro who stood by my side, the one I usual scolded for his lazy attitude. Croatia, no matter how much he denied it, had the biggest sweet tooth I have ever met. Slovenia was the one who preferred the solitude, and Bosnia and Herzegovina usually caused mischief for everyone. It was a chaotic family, but a happy one. They were my family; my kingdom, my Yugoslavia, my siblings, and most of all my family.

And now, the chaos was the only thing that remained.

I was the one threw the happiness into the flames.

I still couldn't let go, even until today. I watched as slowly my family was destroyed, spilt apart before my very eyes, but worst of all, by my own hands. If only I had just accepted the reality, made a compromise, If only I simply didn't obsessed over them, If only I learned how to let go. Maybe, just maybe, we would all at least be in best term, like a family still, only in different homes. If only, I did the right thing, and maybe we could have still been a family.

If only I hadn't hurt my siblings...

If only...I wasn't a monster...

I remember; I still see the past before my eyes. I relived it each and every day, remembering how the pain ate away. As Tito, my leader, our leader died, Yugoslavia went into shambles. My family started to fight one another, there was internal dispute on our government. Everything was so stressful. I would fight and argue with Slovenia and Croatia about small matters. It was Montenegro who stood by my side, like always. Bosnia and Herzegovina didn't want to be dragged into the chaos. My happy family was slowly and carefully becoming more of chaos than happiness.

And then...Slovenia and Croatia wanted independence...

And the monster in me...came out...

I fought them, fought them to keep them by my side. But in the end it was futile. I still remember the words thrown at me by my Brother; The words thrown to me by Slovenia, my brother, who wanted nothing more than independence. It hurts; I was staring at his retreating back. He won his war, against me; me who had always been the strongest in our family. He won, he won, but it wasn't the humiliation of losing that hurt me. No, it was the fact that Slovenia was leaving our family.

"Milivoj." He said, his back still turned to me. How I wanted him to turn and face me, showing me his soft brown eyes yet again. But no, he held firm, refusing to look at his brother. "Learn how to let go." He said, never looking back, before he walked away, not even with a word of parting.

"Stane..." I whispered his name, and yet he continued to walk away from me. The pain, the pain was tearing my heart; I wanted to reach out to my brother. My brother, my family. But instead I balled my fists, and felt the anger cursing through my veins. "SLOVENIA YOU TRAITOR!"

The first of my family left me, and broke my heart a little. After that, I refused to let go of Croatia. I refuse to let go of any of my siblings. I held firm, driving him to a corner. But he fought; he fought me with everything he could. He wouldn't relent, he wanted to follow his brother's footsteps, but I won't let him. One leaving was enough, anymore would destroy this family, and would destroy me. I won't let them go, I won't let him go. I need them, I love them, and I have to protect them

But in the end I hurt them more than anyone could.

I was more of a traitor than Slovenia...

I should have listened to Stane...

The war with Croatia was terrible. I did everything I could to keep him by my side. I did everything I could to have him remain as my family. But as usual, he was a rebellious vermin. He wouldn't relent, wouldn't give up. He fought me and I fought back. I wouldn't let him go. Everything was becoming even more hellish but I concentrated on Croatia instead. Bosnia and Herzegovina decided to stay by my side along with Montenegro, for that I was grateful. I just need Croatia to submit.

And everything went spiralling out of control.

I don't want to remember. No, I still hear the screams, the pain and most of all, the hate filled words my brother yelled at me. I did so much to him; I held unto him, I didn't want to let him go. I hurt him, his people; I even dragged Bosnia and Herzegovina into the mix. I only wanted them to stay, not to hurt them. But I became the monster I 'am known for now. I killed so many people, I hurt my siblings, but most of all...I destroyed little of what we had.

So much pain, I know they will never forgive me...

I can still hear his words. It was echoing in my mind, the broken and angered face of my brother; His tormented and haunted eyes staring at me with hate. Unlike Slovenia, he was looking at me directly; Anger and loathing visible in his posture as he fought to stand tall. His posture was tense, as if he wanted nothing more than to kill me. It hurts, not the fact that I was injured, but the fact that he hates me. It hurts, it hurts, but his pain is more than mine. If only I could burden his suffering.

"You monster." He hissed at me, his eyes glaring at my very soul. "You monster! Look what you have done to me and my people! Look at what you have done to our siblings! LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TOYOURSELF!" He yelled at me, tears streaming down his face.

I bowed my head, I couldn't face his tears; they broke me more than his words could dream of doing. "Krešimir..." I whispered, "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry? SORRY?! YOU THINK A SIMPLE APOLOGY COULD FIX THIS MADNESS!" He yelled at me, "I hate you! I hate you! And I'll never forgive you for this. Mrzim te, Milivoj." He spat at me, before turning his back and marching away as I watched him with hurt filled eyes.

And he was gone, leaving me, like how Slovenia did, only this time, he left me words of hatred. My heart broke that day. It broke, and the pain continues to eat away my very soul and heart. I wanted him to stay with me. I wanted my family to stay with me. I wanted to hold unto them. I love them, they were my siblings. They were my everything, they were my Family. My dear Yugoslavia, my family.

Soon, it was Bosnia who left as well. I tried; I tried to keep him with me. But no avail, Bosnia had to leave. They have already dragged him into the mess with Croatia. I tried; I tried to at least keep the twins, Bosnia and Herzegovina, but no. I had to let them go, because, what else would have happened. I already hurt them, and I might just hurt them more if I continue to fight and chain them to my already broken family.

The parting words were no more than simple goodbyes. Bosnia stared at me with a neutral face, his eyes betrayed nothing. "Milivoj, zbogom." He said simply, taking Herzegovina's hand.

Herzegovina moved forward, giving me a small peck on the cheek, "brinuti." She whispered, before moving to stand beside her brother.

I simply stared at them, feeling numb as my family broke apart. "Alim, Emira." I called their names, looking at them with a sad smile. "Hvala…" I said, as I watched them walk away from our family.

And soon, more and more of my territories and my family wanted independence, I tried to fight. I tried to hold unto them, especially Kosovo and Albania. But to no avail. They left me, left my family. Everyone was slipping away from me. It hurts. The solitude and loneliness was eating way my heart. I couldn't, I couldn't move on from the pain of being left behind. I couldn't forgive myself for the pain I have caused. And yet I kept making the same mistakes until...until there was no one left.

Montenegro was the last to leave. And this time, I didn't put up a fight. No, no more. He was the only person who stood by me until the end. And this time, I was ready to let go, to follow the advice of Slovenia. I needed to avoid the same mistake I did with Croatia. I had to let him go, like I did with Bosnia and Herzegovina. I had to let go, because, I realized, I was nothing more than a monster.

I didn't want to hurt him, anyone, anymore.

He looked at me, a small sad smile on his lips. I stood still as he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. "Milivoj, I'm here. We're still family." He whispered before letting me go.

I stared at him, my face was blank, and my tears were dry. I didn't say anything except for whispering his name. "Vojin..."

I stood there; I didn't say anything, not even when he left the house. I just stood there, letting the silence wrap around me as I simply let everyone I held dear fly away. I just stood there, I just stood there, letting the tears that I have thought dried trail down my face. I didn't wipe them away; I just stood there as my world crumbled around me. I was alone. I was alone and my family no longer exists.

I was monster...and all monsters should be alone...

The pain...was numbing...

There was nothing left, but the silence. The house that was once bright and colourful was now hurled into the world of monochrome colours and bleakness. It was depressing, and I was the one that still held unto the image of family; the fool that held unto the image of a nonexistent family. I still kept unto the photos, the mementos, and the memories of the family that brought me nothing but happiness. It hurts, but I continue to hold onto the image of the family I never wanted to let go.

It hurts; the pitying glance of Stane, the hateful glare of Krešimir, the sorrowful eyes of Alim and Emira, and the understanding eyes of Vojin. It hurts, it hurts that the family who used to have such lively and colourful eyes, were now dull and hunted. It hurts, since it was my doing. It hurts, since I was the cause. And whenever I stared at my own blue eyes, all I saw was the eyes of a monster that needed to be isolated in solitude.

And now, I'm alone, drowning in silence, drowning in my memories.

The pain was too great, the Silence was deafening, and the regret was too heavy.

But I deserved all this pain. It was I who destroyed everything. I was the one who threw everything to the raging flames of war. It was I who hurt and tormented my siblings. It was I who betrayed them. I deserved this; I deserved this loneliness, pain, and suffering. I don't deserve atonement. I only deserved the isolation. No matter what people may say, think, or claim; I was still a monster in my eyes.

And all monsters deserve the loneliness of isolation.

The suffering...of pain and loneliness.

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**Translations:**

Mrzim te – I hate you

Zbogom – Good bye

Brinuti – Take care

Hvala – Thank you

**Names:**

Stane – Slovenia

Krešimir – Croatia

Alim – Bosnia

Emira – Herzegovina

Vojin – Montenegro

Milivoj – Serbia

**Author's note: I could be wrong with most of the translations and so forth. Anyway, please forgive the poor plotting, grammatical errors, and typographical errors.**

** Hoped you liked it, read and review maybe?**


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